Funny jokes thread.

[LordTyroxx]

Post your favorite jokes here.

Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[el_sean]

Okay, I got one!

An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender looks up and says: are you aware that you have a steering wheel in your pants?

The Irishman replies: I know, it's driving me nuts!

[t27duck]

A cop pulls a guy over for speeding one day on the highway.
The cop looks in the back seat and sees 10 penguins back there jumping and flapping around.
The cop says to the driver, "You can't keep those penguins back there. It's too hot. I want you to take them to the zoo now."
The driver says, "You know, that's a good idea. I'll do that."
The driver and the cop go their separate ways.
The NEXT day, the same cop pulls over the same driver on the same highway.
The cop looks in the back seat and sees those penguins again but they're all wearing sun glasses!
The cop says to the driver, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
The driver says, "I did. Now we're going to the beach!"

[FederalDisease]

A lawyer at his office is told by his boss that he has to leave on a business trip with very short notice. He doesn't even have time to go home and pack, so he calls home to tell his wife.
The maid picks up the phone and answers. He asks to speak to his wife, whom the maid insists is in the shower. Being a lawyer, he had the sense of mind to tell that she was lying and after some probing, she finally admitted that his wife was upstairs with the mailman cheating on him.
In his rage, the man demanded that the maid take the gun out of the drawer below the phone and kill his wife and her lover. After some sweet talking, she finally agrees to do it. She sets the phone down, and the lawyer hears the drawer open and close, two screams, two gunshots, a bunch of thuds and dragging sounds, and two splashes.
Finally the maid comes backt to the phone and says that she did it. He asked her where she threw the bodies. She told him that she threw them in the pool. The man becomes confused and asks her to say where she threw them again. She yells into the phone that she threw them into the pool.
He asked the maid if the address that he was calling was 48 Elm Street.
The maid replies no.