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An update on me and the future of GoNintendo

Hey, gang...I hope you're all doing well. It's obviously been quite some time since I up and vanished from the site, and I know you all have a ton of questions. I'm going to tell you everything I can, and also talk about the future of GoNintendo.

To kick things off, I want to say that the situation I was going through is officially over. It was something I never thought I would go through in a billion years, but here I am. I want to stress just as a I did last time, everyone is physically healthy and safe.

As for the situation itself, I honestly don't know that I'll ever feel comfortable talking about it in detail publicly. I know that's disappointing to hear, as I'm sure you guys/gals want to know every single bit of info. I do not blame you for wanting full details, and I know not getting them is frustrating beyond belief. All that said, here's what I'll share.

The situation hit me completely out of nowhere, and it removed me from everyone/everything I'm normally involved with. I don't want you guys to think I just up and left GoNintendo because I was tired of it. You know how important not just GoNintendo, but you guys are to me. This has been my baby for 17+ years and I've come to know and love so many of you. Trust me, it absolutely killed me to be yanked from my life's work and you wonderful people.

I also want to say once again that this took me away from ALL my usual interactions. We're not just talking about work. My friends and family have been in the dark just as long as you guys have, save for a VERY, VERY select few. I vanished from connections with them, and they've been wondering what's going on as well. It's been roughly 1 week since I've been able to come back to "normal" life, and I'm still working on filling in those personally close to me on what happened. It has been unimaginably rough, and quite honestly, I don't know that I'll ever get back mentally to who I was before this.

The matter removed me from every friendship, every work connection, and just about everything I did in my day-to-day life. I cannot stress enough how absolutely traumatic it has been, and continues to be. Even though everything is over and I can move on, I feel like an alien in my own body. Things that I did in life without giving a second thought now absolutely terrify me, and that goes for even the most simple of interactions. Getting the mail, answering a text, having conversations with people I've known all my life, and so on. I feel as though I'm watching myself from third person when I try to go through anything that was part of my usual routine. It's like some sort of out-of-body experience.

Again, I know it's supremely annoying not fully knowing what happened, but hopefully I've painted a picture that shows how horrible this all was, and how it's forever changed me in a very serious way. I'll no doubt be utilizing therapy for many, many years to come, and I have no idea if I'll ever feel like my old self. I hope this doesn't come across as overdramatic or woe-is-me, but I sincerely do not know if I'll ever be the same again. Just typing about it all makes me immeasurably uncomfortable. I spent those 2+ months sitting here worrying about everything, everyone, every thought, every noise, and so on. Even though I'm out from under the situation, nothing in life feels anywhere near normal right now.

Obviously, I'm sure many of you are wondering what this means for GoNintendo. Again, I know this isn't the answer you want to hear, but I really don't know what the future holds. To be 100% honest, I don't see myself getting back to a mental state where I can pick up work normally again. You guys know I worked on the site EVERY single day for the entirety of GoNintendo, so for me to say I don't see a path back mentally means a lot.

That said, I've had so many fantastic experiences through this site...there's honestly too many to count. From meeting my heroes, working with industry legends, covering the company I loved since I was a kid and so on, this has been a dream come true. Of course, the best part has been all of you people. Site readers, podcast listeners, social media followers, and so on. The amount of good to come from you and the site in general has been an incredible gift that gave just as much two months ago as it did on day one.

Unfortunately, I'm really not sure what to do from here on out with GoNintendo. It kills me to think about it ending, but I'm in no shape to push on. Just like many, many other normal things in my life right now, even contemplating diving back in makes me feel physically ill. I know it's trauma from what I went through and I need help to work through it, but as I said, that's going to take some serious time. Even just writing this post has proved extremely difficult. I've been having some horrendous nightmares about a billion things lately, including various GoNintendo stuff. It's all so, so incredibly difficult right now. I'm dedicated to getting better mentally, but I can't put a time on when I'll be in a better state, or how close to normal I'll ever be.

I have options for GoNintendo going forward, and those are things I need to think through. There are soooooooooo many work people I need to reach out to following this mess. Thinking of all the relationships that were severed makes me feel sick to my stomach. Again, I had zero idea any of this was going to happen, so the frustration those work people have felt is echoed by me as well. It's going to take quite some time for me to reach out to people individually and say the various things that need to be said. Trying to rebuild my life is an absolute nightmare that I know will be the toughest challenge I've ever had, and remedying old work connections is very much part of that. It all has to be done, but I have to make sure I do it with the help I need and the time it takes.

I can't say 100% that GoNintendo is dead, but unfortunately, it's not going to be up-and-running as usual anytime in the near future. I don't even know what "usual" would be at this point, as it might not include me. I really, honestly do not know what's ahead. I'll have to figure things out as I go along, and see what solutions and opportunities arise. There might be something that comes my way that makes GoNintendo close to what it used to be, but your guess is as good as mine as to what that would be. I have so much to sift through and put in order, and that very much means personal and work life together.

To be even more transparent, I have no idea what's going on in the world of Nintendo right now. I've picked up a few things here and there, but by and large, I'm completely in the dark. There's never been a time in my life where I'm so uninformed about Nintendo. The same goes for all my passions right now, to be honest. Gaming as a whole, comic books, pro wrestling, and so on. The situation I was in completely removed my interest and drive to learn about those hobbies. Only just now am I getting reconnected to some of those things, but interacting with them just doesn't feel right. Not to be depressing, but those things don't make me happy or engage me like they used to. I've recently played games with friends, but that was definitely fueled by the desire to hear their voices and get back to some level of normal with them. I've also tried playing solo games, but I end up getting extremely uncomfortable and lost in bad thoughts at the same time. Not a fun place to be at mentally at all.

So yeah, not exactly the uplifting and happy post I'm sure you guys were holding out for, and for that I'm truly sorry. Trust me, I wanted that more than anything. The best news I can share is what I stated at the beginning. The situation I endured is over, and all is 100% well. If I could snap my fingers and forget the last few months, then I could pick up work/personal life tomorrow and plow ahead just like any other day. I so desperately want that to be possible, but obviously it's not.

I do want to share a thank you with everyone who reads this post and has checked in on the site the last couple of months. As of roughly a week ago, I had others inform me of all the comments you've shared, discussions you've had elsewhere, social media campaigns you put together, and so on. I'm incredibly touched that you guys care that much about me and GoNintendo in general to do all that. I've always said that I'm just some random Nintendo fan that obsesses over all things Big N, and you guys have been wonderful enough to support me on my journey. To know that your appreciation and care for my work, as well as me in general, goes this far is the most humbling thing I've ever experienced. I've never understood why I've been so lucky to have so many incredible people at my virtual side, and this whole situation only furthers that. You've always been a part of my heart, and that is something I truly appreciate right now.

My apologies for hitting all of you with such a giant post. I hope it helps bring some closure to the situation, and helps ease your mind a bit. Moving forward, I promise to keep you updated on any future for GoNintendo, but I obviously don't know when that'll be. As I said, I have a lot to deal with right now in both personal and work situations. When I have news to share about GoNintendo, you can be sure I'll bring it to you first.

Finally, on a personal note, there's one more thing I want to share today. Do me a favor and spend some time doing something you love and spreading some joy. Play a game online with your friends, tell your family how much they mean to you, take a day trip for a bit of relaxation, and so on. Enjoy life, do what makes you smile, and make sure you try to bring those smiles to others as well. Nothing would make me happier than knowing you guys are loving life and doing well.

Categories: Site Updates

Comments

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do, RMC. Take your time, and prioritize your personal life over the site, it's far more important.

Hugs from Chile.

I've been getting my Nintendo news from you and this site for the past 15 years, which I realize now is just over half my life. I wish you all the best in whatever happens moving forward! <3 you RMC!

itsanferno
Fri May 21 21 01:01am
(Updated 1 time)

Best of luck and hope you start feeling better. Don't rush yourself too much. Healing takes time and is not always a straight path.

I'm glad you are ok. Whatever it is you went through, And despite not being over it obviously. But those things take time. I've also disappeared some times in the past from everyone and everything for some months, so I know what it's like.

Sometimes you just need to get off the train that's called life, to get over things, whatever they might be, or otherwise you are going to get much more hurt in the process. It doesn't mean that once you decide to come back that everything is ok. It usually isn't, but it's still better than when you left. Things might not be the same for a long time. You might not enjoy anything you enjoyed before, you might not want to talk to anyone, you might not want to deal with anything at all. That's natural, since you aren't really over what made you leave in the first place, just like that, just because you decided to come back. But that decision to get back and try is the first step towards the right direction. A direction that doesn't have to include everything your life included before.

Knowing what kind of a hell hole it is to spend 17+ years on something EVERY SINGLE DAY , FOR THE WHOLE DAY, while doing NOTHING ELSE, even if you care about it, and maybe enjoy it, you'll eventually get tired of it and it's going to have it's tool on your life. That happened to me anyway after 12+ painful years of throwing away every single day and every single hour of my life to nurture a community in my country single handedly, while its audience is more or less living on their own planets. Eventually I got tired of it, sick of it, hated it, and once "caring" was gone too after 12 years, I decided last year, that it's time to let go of it ( besides just posting news & interviews ), to start look after myself for once after 12 years, fix and improve my life and finally LIVE my life. Maybe that's what happened to you too, I don't know, but even if it's not about GoNintendo, whatever the reason might be, the result is the same anyway. You are lucky enough in comparison to have loved what you were doing until the end and have had a passionate audience to keep you going despite the torture its requirements probably were.

In any case look after yourself, live your life the way you want too, enjoy it, time doesn't come back, people don't wait and might be gone too, even from life itself, while you keep wasting it away and leave them waiting "for another day to come". And in case you once again think that you want to come back. more moderately, do it. If not, that's ok too, despite the huge hole that will be left behind. You're lucky enough to have tons of people who also care for taking over your work ( which I never did since it requires tons of encyclopedic knowledge ), so there's always the choice of temporarily or permanently let others take the reigns, so that GoNintendo will keep going and be there in case you ever feel like you want to come back, or so that you won't feel that your work will go to waste by stopping. It's your choice, but always know that whatever you do, do what's best for you, and it's ok.

First off, I can only wish you the best in moving past whatever you're going through.

Concerning the site, it sounds to me like you feel it's time to move on.
After operating one of the best - if not THE best - Nintendo fan site for 17+ years plus, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Thanks for everything.

So glad to hear from you RMC. I wish you joy and peace.

If you need anything, let me know.

3dfleming
Fri May 21 21 05:39am
Rating: 1

I remember finding this site in 2004 or 05 and it really helped me solidify and identify my love for Nintendo. I found out there were others that shared my passions and excitement for what might be next in Big N gaming. I started collecting video games and began to consider gaming as my actual hobby. 15 years later, I've made some of the best friends in my life as a result.

My point is, no news website could have done that for me. This site is by definition a passion project, and there has never been any question as to whose passion was driving it. I'm deeply grieved that something so terrible has dimmed that passion and caused so much harm to our virtual friend and community. As you can see reading the comments, we overwhelmingly just want what's best for you, RMC. You've been there for us, now please know that we are here for you. I'm genuinely thankful for your passion and wonderful personality. Bell well, and God bless.

Having been through trauma/abuse and been recovering for the last five or so years, I can understand how it can change your life. To this day I can't handle being around people, can't work, have a hard time even trying to exercise or work on my indie game, which is the only option I can see for myself having any sort of future since it's the only "job" I can do by myself with a reasonable chance of earning an income (as hard as it is to make a living making indie games, writing, my core passion, is even harder).

While I would like GoNintendo to return to its former self right now, since it's the best Nintendo site and covers games that other sites won't even look at, like hunting simulators, I understand if it's tough/impossible for you to do so. Rest assured, once you start updating the site again, I will be back to support you and the site.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

So glad to hear from you RMC. Please take all the time you need to be healthy in whatever way you need to be. Just know that your friends here will follow you to whatever you next venture is, even if it's just a podcast about nintendo once in a while, we'll be there.

Take the time to get yourself back to whatever is normal for you, however long that takes. Take care of yourself. A site for gaming news can't hold a candle to your well-being physically and mentally. I hope the process is a quick and relatively complete one for you.

gamblor
Fri May 21 21 01:14pm
Rating: 1

I'm just glad you weren't "canceled".

Was ready to rip my RMC poster in half at any second.

So glad to hear from you yet so sad knowing you are going through such a hard time.

Gonintendo has always been a "Happy Place" to me and having grown up with Nintendo consoles since the NES I have many memories tied to Nintendo.
Visiting Gonintendo to me is like entering a home port and watching the Crew on the Podcast feels like joining old friends.

I suffer from depression from time to time. Usually it gets me late at night on weekends and living in Germany, Berlin Timezone, it often coincides with your Podcast :D
You cant Imagine how soothing and helpful Gonintendo Podcast is to me and how it pulls me back into the light. Joining you and the guys can turn my state of mind around when I by myself cannot.

Id be so happy if there would be a way I could give back a fraction of what I recieved from you.

Just wish you all the best and so so hope you ll continue towards a good place.

janusz

I'm relieved you're back, but this was definitely hard to read for sure. It's unlike anything you've ever written, but I'm glad you were transparent with us as much as you could.

All I can say is this: Thank you for all the awesome memories you have given me and many others for all these years on this site. I cannot express how much gratitude I have towards your work and dedication to the site and although I stopped commenting/visiting as frequently as I used to, I would still check the site here and there. Coming back and reading the previous post about how you were MIA for 2 months and then to read this...it's some heavy stuff to find out and read about man, especially for long time readers.

Please take the necessary time to get better. You WILL get better. It will take time, but it is nothing you cannot overcome. I know you feel distant, strange, and out of whack, but keep on pushing through. You have friends, family, and site readers that care about you. Never forget that. Your last paragraph touched my heart so much, because despite the trauma you are dealing with, you still preached that message to all of us in the end and it just goes to show how much of a great person you truly are. Don't worry about the site - if the time comes when you want to take care of it, it will come. If it doesn't, it doesn't and that is fine with me as long as you're okay mentally and in a better place.

RawMeatCowboy, this is not a farewell message from me. I want to personally thank you for sharing what you could and want to wish you nothing but the best. You will get through this, my friend. <3

To all the GoNintendo community who I've interacted throughout these 15 years....thank you as well. Going back and forth in the comments, having those great discussions, hanging out with some of you in the IRC channel....these are memories I hold close to my heart and I couldn't have been happier being a part of this wonderful community - all possible because of people like you. As I said in the other post, it warms my heart seeing all these names from back in the day still commenting. You're all great people and I've missed all of you! Take care of yourselves as well!

With much love <3,

-Art

8-bit jay
Fri May 21 21 05:35pm
Rating: 1

I’ll keep it short:

Whatever you decide to do next as long as your health and the health of those around you is safe, I fully support. Just be happy, bro.

Peace.

Wow, man. My heart is breaking for you. I don't know exactly what you've been through, but I can relate to some of the things you've said about not finding joy in things you used to.
I still can't imagine what you went through, but may God bless you in your healing. Take care.

Damn. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. I hope you are able to piece your life back into some semblance of normalcy. It may not be exactly the same, but you deserve some peace of mind-- no matter how long it takes. I truly hope you find it, RMC. Your mental health and life are far more important than worrying about this site. If this is the end of GN, it sure was a hell of a run. I'll miss sending you emails with tips, watching/listening to the podcast, and conversing with your community about the latest news and rumors (especially around E3 or new hardware!). You will never know how much the site and podcast meant to me; always feeling like a group of friends when I needed a pick me up on a bad day. Thank you for all of the laughs, tears, speculation, and critical thought to encourage me to have an open mind and let people like the things they like. Thank you for everything! :')

enthropy
Fri May 21 21 06:30pm
Rating: 1 (Updated 1 time)

The reason I thought it was a mental thing is because I've been there. Like you I wont get into details but I've seen both my parents die/dying in front of me at a young age (13 when mom died and 21 when dad). And suicides and accidents and lots of other stuff. So yeah, it didn't come as a surprise. But yeah! No is the time for you to be selfish and focus on yourself, bearded Nintodian brother.

It would advice you, though, to let others keep the site going. Not just for us, but for you too. With time you will be back so it would be sad to let GN die before you're back in action.

Again! Take your time on YOU, Kevin!

We'll be around. Can't get rid of us that easy Smile

P.S: Oh and I always do things that make me happy. And with that I make poeple around me happy. Fun stuff ;)

First of all, I'm sorry to hear you've gone through such a rough time of suffering. Even without knowing the details, I empathize deeply. I've gone through several life-changingly traumatic experiences in my time and it certainly gets harder and harder to pick yourself back up each time. That being said, so long as you don't give up, you eventually do pick yourself back up. After taking some time for myself and seeking support, the thing that honestly helped me get back to normal the quickest was forcing myself back into the workforce. It was rough at first but I made my biggest strides in recovery after doing so for sure. I hope things improve more quickly than you expect and I hope you and anyone else who is affected can feel a sense of normalcy again.

Kevin, I'm so glad you found your way back to the living. It must have been a hellish time, but it's only gonna get better from here on out.

I don't think there's anyone who wishes for the site to get back in shape as much as you do. You have lots of cool people who kept the site running in the past when you took a few hours off. Maybe there's a chance they'd continue to do so. But, it is for you to decide how GoNintendo is going forward. Yet, before this decision can be made, I think pretty much everyone here would agree that you take care of yourself first. Get all the help you can. Your health is the very first priority in this situation.

I'm so relieved to have finally heard an update on this whole thing. I'll keep coming back to this site, no matter what. I've been visiting since the late '00s. No other Nintendo website ever felt as reliable as this one.

I wish you a speedy recovery and send all the love and power your way. You can and will get through this, Kevin! Stay save!

Best wishes to you, the crew and the whole GN family. <3

Fri May 21 21 10:53pm
Rating: 1 (Updated 1 time)

That was pretty emotional and uncomfortable to read. Your trauma is palpable. I can't think of anyone more undeserving of whatever awful experience has shaken you.

I haven't posted in a bit mostly cause I've grown personally unenthusiastic about Nintendo, but I still checked in almost every day out of habit. GN means a lot of things to a lot of people in ways you can only begin to imagine. The lovely SMB2 banner from the site's earlier days will be forever a wonderful memory.

RMC, you need to do what's best for you and your family, but should you finally decide to hang up your hat, I really, really hope you'll still leave the site up as an archive with functioning PMs. I would definitely contribute to a fund for server maintenance.

Regardless, I love you man, and thanks for all you and the rest of the GN team past and present have done for Nintendo fans off all backgrounds.

Wishin' you the best, RMC.

Hey RMC

I have been here since day one and I’ll be here as long as you need, I’m happy that you have the help you need and sad that this has happened to such a awesome human being. Take time talk to your family and friends and hopefully one day we may hear/see you in the future back to whatever normal you find my friend Smile

Sounds like you went through something horrible. I wish you all the best!

Like many other here, I have been visiting the website for more than a decade and it feels like the end of an era. I will be following the gonintendo twitter account, so if things change for you and you feel like restarting the website, I will be right back.

Thank you for sharing, RMC. I hope the healing process isn't too difficult for you. Wish you all the best <3

Thank you for the update, as heartbreaking as it is. I wish you all the best and hope you take all the time you need for yourself.

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