An update on me and the future of GoNintendo
Hey, gang...I hope you're all doing well. It's obviously been quite some time since I up and vanished from the site, and I know you all have a ton of questions. I'm going to tell you everything I can, and also talk about the future of GoNintendo.
To kick things off, I want to say that the situation I was going through is officially over. It was something I never thought I would go through in a billion years, but here I am. I want to stress just as a I did last time, everyone is physically healthy and safe.
As for the situation itself, I honestly don't know that I'll ever feel comfortable talking about it in detail publicly. I know that's disappointing to hear, as I'm sure you guys/gals want to know every single bit of info. I do not blame you for wanting full details, and I know not getting them is frustrating beyond belief. All that said, here's what I'll share.
The situation hit me completely out of nowhere, and it removed me from everyone/everything I'm normally involved with. I don't want you guys to think I just up and left GoNintendo because I was tired of it. You know how important not just GoNintendo, but you guys are to me. This has been my baby for 17+ years and I've come to know and love so many of you. Trust me, it absolutely killed me to be yanked from my life's work and you wonderful people.
I also want to say once again that this took me away from ALL my usual interactions. We're not just talking about work. My friends and family have been in the dark just as long as you guys have, save for a VERY, VERY select few. I vanished from connections with them, and they've been wondering what's going on as well. It's been roughly 1 week since I've been able to come back to "normal" life, and I'm still working on filling in those personally close to me on what happened. It has been unimaginably rough, and quite honestly, I don't know that I'll ever get back mentally to who I was before this.
The matter removed me from every friendship, every work connection, and just about everything I did in my day-to-day life. I cannot stress enough how absolutely traumatic it has been, and continues to be. Even though everything is over and I can move on, I feel like an alien in my own body. Things that I did in life without giving a second thought now absolutely terrify me, and that goes for even the most simple of interactions. Getting the mail, answering a text, having conversations with people I've known all my life, and so on. I feel as though I'm watching myself from third person when I try to go through anything that was part of my usual routine. It's like some sort of out-of-body experience.
Again, I know it's supremely annoying not fully knowing what happened, but hopefully I've painted a picture that shows how horrible this all was, and how it's forever changed me in a very serious way. I'll no doubt be utilizing therapy for many, many years to come, and I have no idea if I'll ever feel like my old self. I hope this doesn't come across as overdramatic or woe-is-me, but I sincerely do not know if I'll ever be the same again. Just typing about it all makes me immeasurably uncomfortable. I spent those 2+ months sitting here worrying about everything, everyone, every thought, every noise, and so on. Even though I'm out from under the situation, nothing in life feels anywhere near normal right now.
Obviously, I'm sure many of you are wondering what this means for GoNintendo. Again, I know this isn't the answer you want to hear, but I really don't know what the future holds. To be 100% honest, I don't see myself getting back to a mental state where I can pick up work normally again. You guys know I worked on the site EVERY single day for the entirety of GoNintendo, so for me to say I don't see a path back mentally means a lot.
That said, I've had so many fantastic experiences through this site...there's honestly too many to count. From meeting my heroes, working with industry legends, covering the company I loved since I was a kid and so on, this has been a dream come true. Of course, the best part has been all of you people. Site readers, podcast listeners, social media followers, and so on. The amount of good to come from you and the site in general has been an incredible gift that gave just as much two months ago as it did on day one.
Unfortunately, I'm really not sure what to do from here on out with GoNintendo. It kills me to think about it ending, but I'm in no shape to push on. Just like many, many other normal things in my life right now, even contemplating diving back in makes me feel physically ill. I know it's trauma from what I went through and I need help to work through it, but as I said, that's going to take some serious time. Even just writing this post has proved extremely difficult. I've been having some horrendous nightmares about a billion things lately, including various GoNintendo stuff. It's all so, so incredibly difficult right now. I'm dedicated to getting better mentally, but I can't put a time on when I'll be in a better state, or how close to normal I'll ever be.
I have options for GoNintendo going forward, and those are things I need to think through. There are soooooooooo many work people I need to reach out to following this mess. Thinking of all the relationships that were severed makes me feel sick to my stomach. Again, I had zero idea any of this was going to happen, so the frustration those work people have felt is echoed by me as well. It's going to take quite some time for me to reach out to people individually and say the various things that need to be said. Trying to rebuild my life is an absolute nightmare that I know will be the toughest challenge I've ever had, and remedying old work connections is very much part of that. It all has to be done, but I have to make sure I do it with the help I need and the time it takes.
I can't say 100% that GoNintendo is dead, but unfortunately, it's not going to be up-and-running as usual anytime in the near future. I don't even know what "usual" would be at this point, as it might not include me. I really, honestly do not know what's ahead. I'll have to figure things out as I go along, and see what solutions and opportunities arise. There might be something that comes my way that makes GoNintendo close to what it used to be, but your guess is as good as mine as to what that would be. I have so much to sift through and put in order, and that very much means personal and work life together.
To be even more transparent, I have no idea what's going on in the world of Nintendo right now. I've picked up a few things here and there, but by and large, I'm completely in the dark. There's never been a time in my life where I'm so uninformed about Nintendo. The same goes for all my passions right now, to be honest. Gaming as a whole, comic books, pro wrestling, and so on. The situation I was in completely removed my interest and drive to learn about those hobbies. Only just now am I getting reconnected to some of those things, but interacting with them just doesn't feel right. Not to be depressing, but those things don't make me happy or engage me like they used to. I've recently played games with friends, but that was definitely fueled by the desire to hear their voices and get back to some level of normal with them. I've also tried playing solo games, but I end up getting extremely uncomfortable and lost in bad thoughts at the same time. Not a fun place to be at mentally at all.
So yeah, not exactly the uplifting and happy post I'm sure you guys were holding out for, and for that I'm truly sorry. Trust me, I wanted that more than anything. The best news I can share is what I stated at the beginning. The situation I endured is over, and all is 100% well. If I could snap my fingers and forget the last few months, then I could pick up work/personal life tomorrow and plow ahead just like any other day. I so desperately want that to be possible, but obviously it's not.
I do want to share a thank you with everyone who reads this post and has checked in on the site the last couple of months. As of roughly a week ago, I had others inform me of all the comments you've shared, discussions you've had elsewhere, social media campaigns you put together, and so on. I'm incredibly touched that you guys care that much about me and GoNintendo in general to do all that. I've always said that I'm just some random Nintendo fan that obsesses over all things Big N, and you guys have been wonderful enough to support me on my journey. To know that your appreciation and care for my work, as well as me in general, goes this far is the most humbling thing I've ever experienced. I've never understood why I've been so lucky to have so many incredible people at my virtual side, and this whole situation only furthers that. You've always been a part of my heart, and that is something I truly appreciate right now.
My apologies for hitting all of you with such a giant post. I hope it helps bring some closure to the situation, and helps ease your mind a bit. Moving forward, I promise to keep you updated on any future for GoNintendo, but I obviously don't know when that'll be. As I said, I have a lot to deal with right now in both personal and work situations. When I have news to share about GoNintendo, you can be sure I'll bring it to you first.
Finally, on a personal note, there's one more thing I want to share today. Do me a favor and spend some time doing something you love and spreading some joy. Play a game online with your friends, tell your family how much they mean to you, take a day trip for a bit of relaxation, and so on. Enjoy life, do what makes you smile, and make sure you try to bring those smiles to others as well. Nothing would make me happier than knowing you guys are loving life and doing well.